That’s it. I’ve had enough.
It took me a long time, but I finally learned my lesson. It hurts, but it’s part of life. I just hope I know better next time.
~~~~~
Why am I up this late. I can’t sleep. It’s not insomnia because I’m tired, but it almost feels like I’m afraid of closing my eyes. As if I was tired of being rested. Too many thoughts are racing through my head; too many emotions take control. The pillow feels stiff, the covers rough, and the air thin. I toss and turn. Why can’t I sleep.
It was the same dream, over and over again. The glass wall, the endless shelves of books, the solitary chair which sustained him. No matter how hard I knocked, he couldn’t hear me. He kept reading his book. Turning each page calmly, one after the other. I felt my chest compress and my heart pound. I banged on the unbreakable glass wall which separated us.
He turned another page and smiled.
The room disappears. I feel water all around me but I cannot see. I feel my eyes are closed and emerge from the water as I open them. I am in a bathtub. I look around at the large, but empty bathroom. I look down at my fingers and see the deep wrinkles the water has made. I hear my mother’s voice so I walk out naked. Then the scene changes again.
I’m not myself anymore. I am at a party with all my closest friends; a party I’m hosting. We’re all adults, and the party is pretty sophisticated. Poolside tables separate my friends into groups according to when I knew them in life. I go over to one friend’s table, and I massage his shoulders and whisper in his ear. I then leave to go to another table to another friend–and I hold his hand and give him a kiss on the cheek. I know this much: I am married to one and cheating on him with the other.
The dream always ends with me in a pool. The fateful pool that was 20 ft deep in my childhood. The pool is dark, and the lines at the bottom are twice as thick and twice as dark. I always recall being told to swim to the other side, but I resist. Something keeps me from swimming to the other end of the pool. I step near the edge at a corner to look out into the dark pool. A man (I feel he’s the coach) comes up behind me and pushes me into the water. I sink straight to the bottom. I am trapped by the corner.
God my dreams are strange.
But I know they’re trying to tell me something.
And also, here’s a song I’m surprised has gone under the radar:
These days, you barely even say my name,
Like you don’t really feel the same,
I’m wondering what’s to blame.These nights, I fall asleep wondering where you are,
It feels like we’re falling apart,
And it’s only breaking my heart.Cause if being with you means being alone,
And never knowing when you’re coming home,
Then I guess I’m better off on my own.But I can’t move on,
Cause that means forgetting, forgetting everything we had,
Instead I keep running, keep running, I keep running back.
Cause I keep forgetting, forgetting you treat me so bad,
So I keep on coming, keep coming, I keep coming back.
I keep coming back
I keep running back (x 2)
I keep coming back
I keep running back (x 2)
I keep coming, I keep coming back.My friends say, that I should leave you behind,
And stop wasting all of my time,
They tell me that I’m outta my mind.But I know that what we both share is real,
And I’ve been willing to deal,
With the way that you’re making me feel.Cause if being with you means being alone,
And never knowing when you’re coming home,
Then I guess I’m better off on my own.
- “Running Back,” Jessica Mauboy ft. Flo Rida
