I found God on the corner of 1st and Amistad
Where the West was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I said, “Where’ve you been?”
He said, “Ask anything.”Where were you, when everything was falling apart.
All my days were spent by the telephone that never rang
And all I needed was a call that never came
To the corner of 1st and Amistad.Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.But in the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who’s ever known
Who I am, who I’m not and who I wanna to be
No way to know how long she will be next to meLost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.The early morning, the city breaks
And I’ve been calling for years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You got some kind of nerve taking all I wantLost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, Where were you? Where were you?Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.Why’d you have to wait, to find me, to find me?
- “You Found Me”, The Fray
It’s been a long time since I blogged, but college now seems in full swing again this semester. The reason I’m up blogging this late (2:07 A.M.) is because even though I should be asleep, I don’t mind ignoring the fact that my class is at 11 A.M. tomorrow. In fact, my eyes are heavy and arduously trying to stay open, but my mind is racing. Inside, I feel like I want to scream and run away, but I’m trapped in this little cubicle I call my dorm. And it’s not a problem of entrapment because I just came back from a midnight dinner with Kyle. No. It’s life entrapment. No matter where I go, I can’t run away from it.
Ever since I heard “You Found Me” by the Fray, I can’t stop thinking about that song. How the man commits suicide on the corner of First and Amistad, finds God, and later gets to interrogate him. I guess the reason I’m up right now against my better judgement is because I have feelings inside I need to get out. I just wish I knew what those were. Am I angry? Am I sad? Am I disappointed? I am excited? Am I anxious?
What am I?
All I know, is that if I ever met God on that corner, I would definitely ask him the same questions. Why must it be that believing in a higher being oftentimes comes in the form of a sentence of suffering? Why is it that to believe, you must endure hardship?
Proponents of this idea will argue that is the very nature of religion. “To believe in a higher being when circumstances indicate otherwise.” Yes, this seems to be the inherent definition of faith. But I guess my problem is that for the first time, I want to blame something or someone else. For the first time, I want to stop thinking of things like everything is my fault.
What I like about this blog, is that no one reads it. And those that do, don’t really have the time anymore. I can just rant and rant and rant, and in the end, I’ll be talking to myself and a few random people I don’t know.
So on a random note, I’ve drawn inspiration from this song to write a book, titled The Corner of First and Amistad or Finding God on the Corner of First and Amistad. Not sure yet, since I have to check on copyright laws, but as far as I know, phrases are not copyrighted.
But yes, this will be my first novel. First REAL novel. I already know what it’s going to be about. I want the entire world to see this one particular experience I’ve gone through, and in the wake of our society today, learn the lesson I want to teach. It will be controversial and unheard of. But I don’t care. People need to know. The time of ignorance is over.
I customarily do not feel this angry or exasperated. I’m usually very calm and collected, and often opt for thinking things through. But today, I feel like I’m on the fringes of life. I don’t know what’s pushing me to the edge, but something is. I’m fighting an invisible adversary. I just hope that by the end of this entry, all these feelings will go away, and I’ll be able to go to sleep.
And I’ll be able to wake up the next morning, smile to everyone, and continue my routine.
So if God was on that corner, I’d ask him why. I’d ask him why he believes this should’ve happened, and most likely where he feels I’ve gone wrong. I actually want to know. If I’m doing something wrong to deserve this, let me know so I can rectify my mistake.
Or maybe it’s just The Perks of Being a Wallflower speaking. It makes me emo every time I read it, and little did I know this book would affect me as much as it did. But it’s one of those books I know I’ll remember forever.
I just..
I don’t know what I want.
Because in the end, I’m just another emo blogger out there right now. And as much as I don’t want to be “just another,” it looks like that’s the way it’s going to be for now.
Sooooo… I totally stumbled upon this on accident. From a photo on flickr I found the song by The Fray. And then I had to know the meaning of the song [as I have to know the meaning of anything I don't know the meaning to], so I googled it. This was probably the 3rd or 4th thing I came across, but I find it interesting. I scrolled through just to see what this journal was or if anyone comments, and I thought… “Yeah, no one reads this.” And then I read this entry, and you stated explicitly no one did. Haha, I found that ironic. Then I found it more ironic that this entry was written on my birthday – so then I was like, “well, now I HAVE to read it all and leave a comment, because that’s cool.”
ANYWAYS…. I hope what you are struggling with is over and you found the right path. Actually, I don’t think there is a right path… I think we are always making the path for ourselves that best suits our needs. Regardless, I hope you have found tranquility. I don’t believe in God, and no longer really desire to or want to. However, if you do end up writing the book, let me know… I’ll be the first to pick up a copy.
Until then!
Cheers
Chris
Hi Chris,
I hope you get to read this. I honestly don’t know how good wordpress is about letting people know the blogger has replied to a comment.
Anyways, just wanted to say I really appreciate your comment. Sorry it took me a while to respond, but I don’t blog much these days because I’m so busy at school. Interestingly enough, though, I have to admit I had to re-read my own entries to get what you were saying. I was thinking, “Omg, can I be that emo?? lol”
But anyways, happy very belated birthday! Thanks for stopping by and reading my blog. I guess I can no longer argue no one reads this. =]
Alexandra & Chris,
I too, find myself in your blog on a random google search to find which city this corner can be found….not sure if it real or imagined.
I’m also in college but on the “other side of the desk” as a part time adjunct in addition to my real job. Alex, the feelings you expressed in your posted are very deep and very “normal” for a young woman in college…finding yourself is part of the college experience as are the pressures of semester life which you seem to be releasing(good for you!). Keep being you and all will be well
) Write your book and share with the world!(PS Phrases are copywritten & the Fray’s legal team has no doubt buttoned that one up to make $ on T shirts, signs, etc.)
I suspect that if you asked God what you’ve done wrong you would be pleased with the response you receive. The God that I know has much to give and if you listen closely you’ll find that God is on that corner, on your sofa, in your classroom and anywhere else you may need him/her. If you are a reader, try “The Shack” on for size for some thought provoking material
Mind you I’m a Christian person and don’t generally share my thoughts. Chris, you need to find your corner of 1st & Amistad as having no faith can lead to a very lonely ecperience when the times comes that you need to draw on your own faith…again, I’m not telling you to believe in my God, my faith, etc..just believe in something…think about it…wouldn’t it suck if this was really it??!
Good luck to you both along the way.
Jack
Jack,
If you aren’t telling me to believe in God or your faith, then please don’t tell me having no faith can lead to a “lonely experience when it comes time to draw on that faith.”
I have thought about it. I am college educated. I have grown up in a religious family. And over the years, I ahve decided not to believe in God – that is my choice. I ask you to respect it as I respect yours. As to your “Wouldn’t this suck if this was really it?” – I think that’s kind of a circular argument or at least an argument with no logic. In fact, I find it absolutely amazing such a world exists… the intrinsic beauty, nature, animals, the human body… absolutely fascinating. And the fact God didn’t create it for me is even MORE fascinating. This may sound like gobblety gook for you, and may have a desire to change my mind – but please don’t make an attempt, as it is futile for either of us, and I have learned to respect the opinions of others.
See, even thought I don’t have faith to “draw on” or “keep me strong in hard times,” I have learned to rely on myself, my family, and a few minor friends I know will be there for me. In fact, I just traveled the European continent and created life experiences for myself that many Americans will never see. And I’ve learned things about myself and life that will lead me to a more mature, understanding man. I’m not saying I’m even close to understanding purpose or life, but I am learning as I go – and that’s more than 99% of Americans can say for themselves.
I’ll leave you with this,
“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one’s lifetime.”
Mark Twain (The Innocents Abroad/Roughing It)
Until one challenges their own views – they’re fucked.