I think I’d kill myself, if I never knew.

What do I have to do to get inside of you?

 - “Inside of You”, Hoobastank

I closed the door, put my earphones in, and turned up the volume.  I knew that this was a boy’s song. I didn’t care anymore. If I’m a woman who wants to listen to hard rock, then goddamn it, I will.

And here it is, yet another angry post. I’m having too many of these recently. It’s starting to worry me. Sometimes, I get these urges to just do everything wrong. I get these urges to yell in frustration. Sometimes, I get these intense urges to have a smoke or a drink. Or both preferably.

So I listened to them.
I looked through my drawers and found my first, and what I wanted to be my last, pack of cigarettes. I wondered to myself if that could still be the case. I grabbed the last two and headed outside my dormitory. It was solitary outside, since it was well past 1. I lit one up. A gentle smoke ensued.

I admit, I felt like a hypocrite. One of my closest friends smokes, and whenever I can, I try to convince him to stop. I know what it can do to you. I know that it’s bad for you. I would never want anyone to do what I did tonight. But tonight, I didn’t really care about anything. Especially myself.

I stood outside in the darkness watching random kids go by on their bikes. Our pretend police roared past these students in their shiny white Ford Explorers. The streets were gently lit; the trees covered in the soft glow of the pale yellow light emerging from the lightposts.

Realizing that I was doing something ridiculous, I was halfway through my first cigarette when I put it out and threw out the other. I felt that there were two sides of me, always at odds with each other. Not just a conscience, but a willpower.

Sometimes I think my alter ego, or my past life or whatever, was a hooker. No, seriously. During the day, I’m so composed, calm, put-together, and independent. Come nighttime, however, I always get the urge and desire to do bad things, to be a non-conformist, to rebel, to live for once. Maybe, you argue, I should’ve said that I am a superhero instead of a hooker. But for some reason, hooker came to mind first. Maybe because every night is a constant reminder of how, during the day, I whore myself out to the world.

I am the whore of my future. Whenever my future should need something for me to do now, I jump at the first opportunity to do it. I want to keep my future “happy”. Ugh, just the thought makes me shiver. But in some ways, it’s good. It’s my future, right? I’m only securing my well-being. But part of me wishes that I knew what exactly I want to do with my life.

And the other part of me wishes that, whatever that is, is going to have some meaning.

By now, the frustration’s kind of turned into another one of those moments when you sit and analyze your life. I have class tomorrow at 12:30, but part of me doesn’t care because I don’t want to go. Had this been a year ago, I wouldn’t have shown up. Not because I want to sleep in, but because I don’t feel like going anywhere. I want a chance to sit in my room or lie down on my bed and think. For a really long time until I find something in this confused thought process of mine.

But the world never stops turning because you want it to, that much I know now. Everyone else keeps going. The girls in the room next to me, the guy down the hall playing his guitar, my mom in the kitchen, my friend driving her car, the person on the bike down the street.

For some reason, my mom’s ultimatums always creep into my thoughts sometimes. She used to have another one that I liked to ignore, which warned against wanting two things at the same time:

You only end up like the dog who wanted the two bones. Without one, or the other. In his efforts to keep both, he lost them both.

I guess that’s sort of true. There’s always instances and times in your life that you don’t really appreciate what or who you have or try to hang on to things or people too long, that you end up losing everything. I also don’t want that to happen either, but how do I know when it’s happening? Do I just trust that everything will turn out okay?

I don’t want to let myself have too much control over my actions. I’m a hooker in theory, remember? I like to please others, even if I’m unhappy myself. I like giving out more than I get back to gain a sense of self-assurance and safety. Certainty, that’s always been what I strive for. Knowing what I’ve got for sure. Securing my assets. Safeguarding my life.

By doing this though, I have a feeling that I’m not giving myself enough worth. If I think that my time is so invaluable that I have to waste a lot of it, I dunno, what does this say about me?

A drop of blood then fell on my keyboard. I look down from the screen, and see the tiny droplet. I bring my right hand up to my nose and feel the warm liquid. As always, my nose bleeds after I smoke.

I wipe it off, get a tissue for my nose, and sit back down. I’m staring past the computer screen when I see Perks of Being a Wallflower quietly sitting in front of me again. Maybe someday I’ll finish. I make a mental note to give it back to Kyle soon.

I also think about how I’m such a dependent person, that it’s ridiculous. And again, another one of my mother’s ultimatums comes up:

Don’t trust even your own shadow. Live free, need no one.

I frown at the thought of this every time I hear it. I don’t care how hard she tries or how often she reminds me of this, I’ll never be independent like she wants me to be. I will love people probably more than they deserve, and I’ll take my chances with my own judgement. So I changed it up a little to suit my views instead:

Trust everyone who walks near your shadow. Live in choice, want no one else.

My sense of fulfillment is different than hers. I want to trust those that I’ve let get closest to me because that’s why I’ve let them get close to me. Because I love them. I appreciate them. I trust them. And if they shall one day leave me or hurt me, I won’t change my mind. I want to live with a choice of how free or entangled I want to be. I want to want no one else because I have everyone I need.

And until that day comes, there’s nothing left to do but keep going. Keep trusting, keep loving, keep knowing, keep experiencing.

One of my professors constantly reiterates this:

We must have the courage to know.

I sure wish I did.