I have to admit that it’s very important to give credit when credit’s due. It was my birthday a few days ago, and I have to say, my friend Kyle totally went above and beyond. He came with me to Disneyland, despite the fact that he’s not exactly a fan of the park, because I wanted to go (and I got in for free). That’s pretty rare. I know that if I was friends with me, I’d smack my bitch self and tell me to go by myself since it’s such a lame place to go when you’re this old. However, I feel really touched that he still came. lol
But nonetheless, it happened. I got to hang with one of my best friends all day, ate good food, and to close off the night, ended up going to a Tigerheat-like show at the House of Blues (heyyy). Anyways, props to him and my awesome gift which has me super excited. =]
But
I seriously need to grow up.
I thought I was mature for the longest time, and now I’m learning that I am the farthest thing from it. I still enjoy kiddie theme parks, get excited over buying tacky minnie mouse ears, and watch movies as a form of fun. I don’t host parties or attend them. I don’t drink, and I hated smoking. I don’t do drugs. I don’t know how to have fun.
On top of that, I worry too much about things. I guess I am the term I’ve hated to hear for the longest time:
“a goody two-shoes.”
And you know, I really don’t mind at this point being seen as the lamest human being alive. I’ve been trying too hard for too long to be something I’m not, so if I guess I’m meant to lose friends or to be alone because of the way I am, then I guess I have to deal.
I’m not complaining exactly. I’m just saying I’m throwing in the towel. Inside me, I knew that it would’ve been better to host a party or go to a concert or even just get pissed drunk, but hey, no, I went to a theme park where the average guest still believes in Santa Claus.
Seriously.
What the fuck.
did I do.
So now I’ve retreated to a place where no one can reach me. I like it this way for now. Getting older hit me like a bucket of cold water. Those days were WAY over. I was trying to relive my childhood, or whatever part of it I felt I lost. Now that I’m older, gosh, it’s not the same.
And it’s not like it’s a big deal either. There’s no difference between the day you were a certain age and the next day that you’re another age. That’s stupid. It’s obviously not an epic change, it’s just seeing the new number is what finally jarred me into rethinking how I’m living my life.
I don’t know why my life just seems to be getting worse. I don’t wanna complain. But I’m trying to find what’s making me feel like this. I’m also a bit sick, so that might account for something. But mostly, I don’t know. I came home to a new set of issues that, God, I don’t know where everything’s going to end up. I hate how my mom never takes her health seriously. I hate how I don’t even know if I’m coming back to school next year. I hate how I can’t let go of some really heavy baggage.
The worst part is that I’m usually pretty independent, but right now I feel really alone. I don’t have anyone I can talk to anymore. I went home this weekend and realized that my parents are no longer people I can talk to. And the people I do feel like I can talk to, I don’t want to bother because they have enough of their own shit to deal with or I just feel ashamed approaching them. So it’s all pretty much bottling up. And I feel like that bottle’s gonna break soon.
Well, I know I’m not the only person out there who feels like this. I just wish I didn’t have to feel like this all the time. I wish that at one point, I would’ve known what it was like to really have someone out there, you know? Instead of just having a bunch of guys who just used me. Anyways, that’s too much complaining. Gotta be strong. Gotta do this. I got this.
Right?
Everyone is unique… and everyone is allowed to be themselves. You know, I was having a really horrible day today.. absolutely horrible really. I won’t go into detail, but… it ended with me storming out of a Taco Bell after taking my meal from a seemingly homeless man with a scared, confused look upon his face.
You know, despite all the bad things that happened today, that is the one thing I gaze back on and feel absolutely hurt over. How dare I…? How dare I.
Anyways, I apologize… I came home, looking for lyrics to a song I didn’t know (Apparently it was The Fray, You Found Me) and found it on your blog… I was really just going to copy them into a notepad somewhere and use them, but something in your message caught my eye, and I started reading. Ironically, I found you. I read a few things about you, and I hope you don’t think I’m just some random idiot that doesn’t feel, or think, or anything, just sort of wants to warp your mind… I just want to say.
I just want to say, It’s okay.
Really, it’s okay. You can go to Disneyland until you’re eighty if you want to. You can watch a childish movie and enjoy it, you can eat an ice cream cone and get that little splotch of vanilla or chocolate on your nose. Who cares? It’s your life, it’s you. You’re all that matters. You. I hope I don’t seem overly dramatic, I’m a romantic, and I feel pain, joy, and moments where I want to scream like everyone else. I’m just more obvious about it I suppose…
But I just wanted you to know that you do have this. You do. It was in your grasp all along. And I completely understand not having anyone to talk to… I’ve been a bit luckier recently though, I do have a friend or two online (sad, huh?) that I tell things to, and they don’t ask for anything in return, and they don’t shout at me for pushing my problems on them, they just sit and listen, comfort me and help me.
I’m kinda the same way, I also feel like crap much of the time, sometimes I don’t even know why. So what about the homeless looking guy?! But I say that, and I feel even worse, and it’s just how my heart works I guess. I can’t stand hurting or being cruel to people, and when I do… I won’t let myself forget it, heavens no I won’t, not in a million years. Not ever. In death I’ll regret it too. Not even offering him something.
Even the strong need to eat, drink, sleep and stop… and breathe. You’re already strong, now you just need someone to recharge your batteries from time to time. Well, my e-mail is two-tails@hotmail.com…
I’m sorry if I don’t check it too often, life has its own paths for me I guess sometimes, I know this is completely random and weird, and again I’m really sorry if it seems that way, but I was just looking for “You Found Me” and I found you, and read about you, realized we’re kind of similar, and that no one should be alone, and just… I have this feeling that I need to comment, so I will. Even if you never e-mail me, or never respond, or never read this. I feel like I need to say something, I just… have to say something, anything, and here I am going on for years, I need to shut up now.
Anyways there was a quote I’d heard or saw somewhere once… I think it went… “When you’re scared to look ahead, and afraid of what’s behind, you can look beside you, and your best friend will be there.”